eh.

Ok, I started a blog earlier, but Jacob and Nathan knocked on the door right as I was hitting my peak of brilliance. The knocking was loud and annoying so I lost my concentration and I probably won't get it back. I'm now in a completely different mood then I was in earlier so there is no way I'll be able to get back on track to what my other blog was about, however, I'm going to try.

I believe the topic I was speaking on (or in this case typing) was high school relationships. Ok, I'm not going to go straight out and say they're pointless, because they aren't. I believe that anyone can fall in love as long as they are mature enough. What I mean by this is if you are a 13 year old girl who freaks out about things such as there being a bump in your hair from your pony tail holder then you probably are not mature enough to handle or even understand what true love is. Love isn't just that feeling of jitteryness in the pit of your stomach everytime you look into the soft eyes of that guy that called you pretty last week. It is so much more complex and complicated then that. In order to be capable of true love you have to be willing to put someone ahead of yourself. You have to care enough about someone that the well being of yourself is put to the side and your entire focus is on the well being of this person. So, needless to say, if you are this 13 year old girl (age is not limited only to 13) who is not even comfortable enough with herself to walk out the door with a pony tail crimp, then how in the hell are you going to be capable of love?
This brings me up to my next topic.Do not EVER tell someone that you want to marry them while you are in high school. That is a HUGE, MASSIVE, STUPID mistake. Take it from someone who was stupid enough to make it. Yeah, thanks, hi. When one is in high school, one has no idea who they are. Some of us are lucky enough to have everything figured out, but the majority, not so much. I mean look at how much everyone's changed just since middle school. I know I'm a completely different person then I was 4 years ago, COMPETELY. If a few years of high school can change you that much, imagine how 4 years of COLLEGE can change you. You're out on your own without the opinion of your family and old friends to curve your opinions or mold your actions. College is the first time any of us are really able to fully have a taste of who we really are. There is no way on earth you can know for sure if you want to marry someone at the age of 16 (once again, age is not limited), because there is no way of truly knowing who you really are until you've been given the opportunity to experience different things. You might get to college and realize that everything you thought you stood for in high school, isn't what you truly stand for. You might get to college and your eyes will be opened to so much more then you thought possible. I thought I was in love, and I still believe I was for a period of time. I cared and still care for Kyle David Walker. If I could have taken all his hurt from our break up and deal with it all myself, I would have done it in a heart beat. Most of the time I still put him before myself. It didn't end up working out. The fault wasn't put souly on one person, it belonged to the both of us. We both made mistakes, but the biggest mistake of all was promising to belong to the other for the rest of our lives. We were in the moment, we got ahead of ourselves, and we made everything so much more complicated and emotional then anything should be at such a young age. I had no idea what was going to happen in the following months when I told Kyle I wanted to be with him forever, I just knew how I felt RIGHT THEN, and that was reason enough for me. Do you know how much harder it was to let go after saying things like that? After committing to someone so strongly (we didn't go so far as to be engaged, we just did the whole, "I love you wanna be with you forever," thing) it's hard to move on and accept that it is, in fact, over. It's hard to be like, "Ok, I know I said I wanted to be with you forever, but the things is, I don't anymore." You see what I'm saying?

Anyway, just don't commit so young, ok? You never know whats going to happen and it'll only lead to heart break.

A Broken Family.

Broken families are everywhere. It doesn't matter where you go, you'll always find them. They can be caused by death, divorce or cheating, but they all lead to one thing.. heart break.
It doesn't matter how things turn out after a family has been broken. Sometimes they end up better off, sometimes they don't, but no matter how it turns out there's always that empty hole left inside every one affected.
The holidays aren't the same. Those times you look forward to when you get to spend time with the people you love all at once are suddenly gone. You find yourself split and instead of laughing and being filled with joy, you're crying and wishing that you could just turn back time and re-live the magic of having a happy family. The perfect life.
But it's not only the holidays, everyday life. You get so used to seeing your mom or your dad everyday and all at once it's all taken away from you. You only get a limited time around these people that have molded you into being the people you are today. It isn't fair. It isn't fair that life can't be simplier, but hey, I guess there's a purpose for everything.
It hurts everyone. Even if you can't tell. It really does.
A friend of mine has a broken family. His parents split up when he was a little boy. His dad had some problem's he couldn't get under control. Finially his mom got fed up with it and left him. She took my friend and his brother. This tragedy killed my friend's dad inside. He loved his family so much. He loved his wife and his two little boys, and they were taken away right before his eyes.
I was with him tonight, the dad, and I could see the pain in his eyes. The funny thing is, we weren't talking about anything like that, we were helping him fix his car, but there was something about him. I could see her in his eyes. Aparantly my friend could too because it hurt him. He could tell his dad was hurting and he is too. He misses his dad and he wishes with all his heart that they could just be a happy family again. He misses seeing his dad happy. Sure his dad comes off as a happy person, but sometimes the truth shines through and the pain is shared by all. Tonight we cried together, my friend and I, because I know what it's like to be broken.
My family has been broken and two new families have been formed, and even though everyone's happy again, there will always be something missing in my heart. That warm feeling of one happy family that loves eachother. That safe feeling that nothing can ever go wrong because of the love that one family shares. There's nothing I miss more then spending Christmas morning with my mom and my dad and my sister, under the tree, exchanging gifts and laughing, watching christmas vacation and a christmas story. Thats just something I'll never get back.
But I will tell you one thing. My family, will not be broken. It will be protected by a super super glue made out of faith, true love, trust, and none other but the LORD's blessing.

Update.

So I'm not quite sure if I've informed you that Kyle and I are back together, which is sooo good. I missed him so much. I really think the break up made me realize how much I really do need him. And when I say need, I mean need. Kyle and I aren't like other couples our age. I know everyone says that, but I seriously feel that way. Most teenagers focus mainly on sex. Kyle and I have talked and we both agree that it's best to wait. We both have the same beliefs, and because the Lord is number one in each of our lives, we're waiting. I think thats really important. It seems like I'm the only one left that hasn't "fooled around" with my boyfriend. And whats sad is, when I tell people that, it makes them think there's something wrong with our relationship.. like it's weird that we haven't. I can't believe what the world's come to. Me and Kyle have never been so in love. The fact that we aren't doing anything is making us stronger. We don't need that extra.. stuff to be happy. Just being with him can make my whole day. I just feel so safe and happy when I'm with him. Like thats where I belong. I cherish every second I can be with him. I'd do anything for him. And we don't fight. Everything, is just a blessing from God. I thank him everyday for Kyle. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He was my happiness through all the hardship of the past year. He stands beside me in everything I do and he believes that I can accomplish anything. He supports me and gives me someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. He makes me feel so beautiful and loved. I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He's absoultly perfect in my eyes. He is the best thing that has ever happeded to me. I am so thankful that I have been blessed enough to be loved by him. And I love how I can talk to him about God and feel completely comfortable. I'm just.. so thankful and so blessed.

The only rhyming poem I have.

I've been wondering throuth the darkness.
My arms reached to find my way.
I'm clutching on a familier object,
In hopes to find a place to pray.

Now I stumble on an obstacle.
I try my hardest not to fall.
But as I try to keep my balance,
I wonder if I have faith at all.

I pause to take a break,
And paunder on my life.
I want to find a reason,
For all this pain and strife.

I close my eyes and listen,
I want to hear his voice.
He says he has a plan for me,
If I follow is my choice.

Will your plan bring me happiness?
Will it open a fonder door?
Will I finally walk on my two feet?
Or will it leave me wanting more?

You tell me I need not worry.
You say it's in your hands.
I'll finally see the light of day.
And with you I will stand.